Another Fall from Grace

I bet when reading that snappy title you assumed that I meant a metaphorical "fall from grace," as in "Oh, she's shamed herself again..." You would be wrong - I meant it quite literally. "Another" as in this is not nearly the first time, "Fall" meaning I lost my ability to remain upright in a moving pattern wherein I propel myself forward in a continuous motion, "Grace" a name I call myself (or more accurately, others call me when they are pointing) as a sort of comedic misnomer.

I was on my way home from dropping of the Charge and remembered (thankfully) that I needed to stop at Walgreen's for some household items (paper towels, TP, nail file, eye makeup remover and toothpaste...just in case you were wondering.) I jaunt into the store, find my items and make a swift exit, as I am eager to be home and out of my pants the cold. The store is about 6 blocks from my building, blocks I normally traverse on a feet-smelling bus. However, it is useless for me to wait out in the cold for the bus when I could easily walk home, so on nights I have to get off the bus to make a stop, I walk the rest.

I am walking briskly down the street freezing my ta-ta's off and walk past the very spot where I took a notable tumble about a month back (photos of injuries available upon request) and I SHIT YOU NOT I thought to myself "would it not be hysterical if I fell again HAHAH" and I took serious note of the surroundings because I did not remember them from the first fall. So observant was I that I recall there is a hair salon right at the corner that has a sign on the door the says "Hair Color $22." I thought to myself, well shit I pay $10.99 for the box from Target that fades in 3 days, maybe this is the ticket! I quickly realized that they must be talking about the actual Dye Product because everything in Chicago is a fucking racket really.

Immediately after this thought wrapped up I noted how great it was to be in control of my own destiny, more specifically being able to choose my VERY FAVORITE brand/flavor/tartar control level/whitening ability of toothpaste. My destiny may be limited but it's all up to ME - ha!

To further digress, something in the tone of Anthony Federov's voice as he serenaded me about being "crippled emotion-ally" made me decide to cross the street, and cross I did. I should have listened further and heard the message from God that said "I knew you were waiting....(to fall on your ass)" but I did not.

After much ado I will set the scene for the "incident..."

Stage direction: The wind swirls, hand in hand a couple strolls up ahead in that secret-from-the-world-throw-up-in-your-mouth-way, remnants of last nights snow scattered to and fro, old classics float through Sony headphones...

"L is for the way you look at me,
O is for the only one I see...,
V is very ver..

WIPEOUT.
SHE IS DOWN.

AGAIN.

I fell hard with about 75% of my slight weight on one knee and the other 25% on the corresponding wrist and opposite shin. Sweet. The pukey couple stops and asks me if I'm OK, to which I respond with a series of curses that I believe came out something like "You stupid f**king piece of mother f**king bastard ice I wish you were never BORN!!!!!."

Unbeknownst to me there was also an unnamed male youth behind me whom I had startled! After the couple passed the startled party picks up my ass wipe and Aquafresh Extra Whitening Power Look Just Like Ryan Seacrest Toothpaste and asks after my health. I assure him I am hurting like hell and that I'm not certain I will walk again when he kindly tells me that he will walk me to my door. Taken off guard I quickly recant and tell him I'll be fine and thank you very kindly I'll make it home to which he replies "I'll help you." We had an eye-lock Oprah/Clay it Forward moment and I said "Well if you insist!" (NB: there was really no eye-lock as I was on the ground and he was upright, but I did think of Oprah.)

This lovely gentleman walked me all the rest of the way whilst carrying all of my bags and chatting about his job and how he does not take cabs anywhere ("Oh me either" I responded - LIE!) I thanked him profusely at the door to my building and inquired about how much further he had to walk home when he informed I had gimped past his building about 3 blocks ago. Color me surprised by and besotted with this individual! After a brief pause during which I envisioned the episode of Oprah where we appear as panel guests on our 25th anniversary (a surprise for me!) and tell her of our chance meeting and passionate courtship, he tells me that his ex boyfriend used to live in my building.

He told me to take care of myself and ice my knee straight away (I did not) and then left me at the front door. From this experience I gained many insights, namely:

- "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." (tm Anne Frank)

- My knee hurts

- Ann Coulter is a big-mouthed horsey-looking indulgent fame whore who should be locked away until such time as she realizes that this is the year Two fucking Thousand and Seven and T.R. Knight could kick her bleach-blond ass all over the set of Hannity and Colmes.

ETA: That last part was just something that had to be said, it is possibly unrelated to the above story.