Chicago Transplant

Oh the irony.

2010-05-11T18:39:00.001-05:00

Hysterical site I had to forcibly remove myself from viewing at work today - this was one of my favs.

Pot calling a kettle...

Expectations

2010-05-02T14:09:00.003-05:00

You know how some things are disappointing and don't live up the hype surrounding them?

These are two things NOT in that category:

(This shit is amazing.)

#2 Equally amazing yet less thirst quenching.

Too funny NOT to start blogging again...

2010-04-29T20:50:00.006-05:00

Some funny shit happened today and since I'm kind of being held hostage in the corner of my apartment right now I thought I might blog it up.

I just got home from a long-ish day and had a bunch of heavy grocery bags on my person. I set them down and turn on a light only to see the worst sight ever - BUGS. 7-8 of them. Swarming. I actually didn't scream (odd), but dove for the ground and wondered what to do. I promptly shut the wide open window (which has no screen because my building takes the screens out for "winter"), then, sensing my imminent discomfort, turned on the AC.

As the light is now on, the swarm has donned tunics and started up a rousing Quidditch match using my torch lamp as a pitch. First I threw my flip flop into the fray but the only impact of that move was the lamp hitting the wall. Undeterred but sweating a lot (come on AC!) I went to the closet for safe haven/weaponry. I quickly unearthed the Raid Home and Garden and came back out to show those flies and possibly smaller flies (or another bug type) what I/Raid was made of.

Reassessing during the situation from the corner I realize that A. I have left them time to form a strategy and they are doing so, and B. I am not in a ventilated space (the only window has now been officially shut for the summer). Opening the door to the hallway is also out because I am definitely not wearing pants at this point. All I have left is to fashion a mask and face the mob, and so I did. Out of a kitchen towel and one of those skinny elastic headbands that never stay on my head.

After some wild spraying and jumping about I think I managed to end the lives of the 7-8 offenders. What I did not anticipate though is how nuts they would go as they went quietly into that good night, so while they are not buzzing around anymore, I have no idea where they have made their graves.

Which brings us back to live where I am sitting in the corner wondering who is going to come and locate/collect the bodies.

Sidenote: Photo is not a reenactment, I did stop and take it during the battle. Speaking of flying, I wonder if the bags under my eyes would qualify to fly free on SW? Also, groceries are still sitting on the floor near the scene.

Bueller? Bueller?

2009-08-07T18:56:00.002-05:00

I don't know if this has already gone around the internet or if it's even legit but I thought it was really interesting.

Long- ago pen pal of John Hughes blogs briefly about their correspondence and it's impact on both of their lives:

We'll Know When We Get There

Decluttering

2009-08-06T18:29:00.002-05:00

Not anything as ambitious as de-cluttering my actual life or stuff - just my music for now.

I have always prided myself on the number of songs I have on my person or my hard drive at any given time, but this has caused my to amass a bunch of shitty music that I am constantly skipping past. Recently I met someone whose music collection vastly outnumbers mine and after getting past my horror(!) I realized that I'm not in college, Napster did not just become the new hotness, and I'm being bogged down my all these jams.

It started by just deleting a crap song when it shuffled on but now I've gotten into full on searching out stuff to get rid of (I'm looking at you TV Theme songs)! It's a bit exhilarating.

After about a week of intermittent bloodletting I'm down to 7,946...make that 7,934 - adios entire Akon album!

A departure

2009-06-13T16:18:00.006-05:00

Lately I have been paying much more attention to the world at large than ever before and have been shocked at how much there is to learn about, well...most things. Here's one.

As you may or may not know, there were Presidential elections held yesterday in Iran and current leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won re-election, allegedly by almost 30 points. Today Tehran is experiencing a previously unseen and agitated state of protest over the legitimacy of the vote count and the frustration with the existing regime felt by a rumored majority of Iranians. More striking, though, is the resonance of the news coming out of Iran regarding the support for Mir Hossein Moussavi, the main opponent to the sitting President.

What officials have called an unprecedented voter turnout at the polls Friday had been expected to boost Moussavi's chances of winning the presidency. But Ahmadinejad -- despite being blamed for Iran's economic turmoil over the past four years -- maintains staunch support in rural areas.

Technology has been a key tactic in politically mobilizing young people in Iran, but text messaging has not been working in Iran over recent days.

Save the end of the description and swap out the names and this could have been transcribed from any of hundreds of cable news broadcasts from last November. As familiar as it may seem in writing, though, the reality of the campaign as well as the outcome and consequences of this election couldn't be more foreign. Even a young (the median age in Iran is 27) and technologically adept (almost 1/3 of the country now has Internet access) cannot be expected to facilitate change when the government can manage to deny access to tools as seemingly innocuous as Facebook on the eve of a democratic election.

While it certainly seems that Iranian citizens are taking a more active role in drafting the plan for the future of their country, I wonder how long of a road they face and when (if?) their efforts will result in real change. Had Moussavi won the election, the bulk of the political power would still have been in the hands of the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, himself a twice elected former President of the country. Khamenei, a long time supporter of Ahmadinejad and once friend of Ayatollah Khomeini wields more power then any other individual or governing body in Iran. In other democratically inclined countries where there is a central religious leader or head of state, the position has evolved to a largely ceremonial role, whereas in Iran no law or president is considered legally so until approved by the Supreme Leader. The degree to which Shariah, or Islamic law, is applied and the strictness to which it must be adhered to appears to be controlled by this highly conservative and staunchly anti-Western cleric.

Interestingly, Hillary Clinton has already spoken very briefly about the election but the administration has said nothing to indicate that the US is ready to either repudiate or recognize its results. From here it's difficult to say whether an open dialogue is the most promising diplomatic route, but taking into consideration Ahmadinejad's well-publicized dismissal of and disdain for Israel and the US and the velocity with which Iran's uranium enrichment program is progressing, I see few other options.

Is it time to vote?

2008-10-14T21:00:00.002-05:00

My mailbox tells me so!

Hysterical.

2008-10-14T18:51:00.002-05:00

Palin's Interactive Oval Office! Mouse over, click, laugh, vote!

Interesting.

2008-10-14T18:44:00.001-05:00

I'm mobile!

2008-10-12T17:04:00.002-05:00

Here I am on the Megabus and what do I find? WIFI!!! I am so jazzed about this! Come one, come all and chat with me while I ride through central Illinois!

This almost makes up for the fact that this bus if crowded as all hell and I am totally uncomfortable.

Oh, and...

2008-10-08T19:16:00.001-05:00

The Cubs and the Sox both lost. This pleases me greatly!! Cards in 09!

Plus I wrenched my neck in some weird fashion while carrying home some bread and milk and now I can only look a quarter-turn to the left. Don't tell any probably attackers of my person.

Didn't mean to get all political on your ass...

2008-10-08T19:12:00.006-05:00

I am in a blogging drought - I'm doing more reading than writing lately on this, the Internet. I am listening to the debate right now and am about 3/4ths through, and the thing that is really sticking out to me thus far is how John McCain keeps saying "my friend/s" before answering anything.

Between him and Palin I feel like the Republican party is really trying to get everyone to be "besties" with them and not running a fucking country.

OK, I am editing to add that I am annoyed at the following McCain statement in reference to the withdrawal of troops from Iraq: "There was a lot at stake there, my friends. And I can tell you right now that Senator Obama would have brought our troops home in defeat. I'll bring them home with victory and with honor and that is a fundamental difference."

Give me a MFing break. Are you saying then, that the fortunate soldiers who made it home from Vietnam were lacking honor, as many historians purport that the conflict in that region was a draw at best? I have a major issue with the use of the word honor as it relates to either success or failure, as well as the use of the word defeat in reference to the US actions in the Middle East. Is victory or defeat not relative to your unique perspective and level of personal involvement in ANY situation, military or otherwise? In order to declare a winner or loser in this fight, should there not first be a definable enemy, a specific purpose for action, and an established benchmark against which to gauge success? In my view, the nature of our current global climate and the manner in which the US entered this war all but prohibit those broad guidelines from being met.

This is not the American Revolution where you meet on an open field and count the casualties when the cannons run out of ammo. Sophisticated, multi-fronted, covert, far-reaching, culturally misunderstood, morally ambiguous, dangerous,and laden with ethnocentrism. Those are the words I use to characterize the current situation in the Middle East. I certainly don't have most of the information, am ignorant of much of the historical context, and have none of the answers, but I will not back a man, Veteran or not, who can call a return of our soldiers to their families, even if in supposed "defeat", dishonorable.

PS I wish Tom Brokaw would read me bedtime stories every night.

ETA Again: I have been scanning the political blogs for a general idea of how people felt about the debate and something else has pissed me off. It seems to me that there is a widespread assertion across cyberspace that Sen. McCain's addressing Sen. Obama as "that one" was racially motivated. Come on people, lets get some context here - I didn't take it that way when I saw it, and while I thought it might be a tad condescending and mildly un-Presidential, racist it did not seem. As someone known for their hypersensitivity to those types of comments, I was surprised to find this interpretation all over the Internet. What did you think?

Teee Veeee!

2008-09-25T22:03:00.002-05:00

So TV started again as you all must know! Among the many blog-worthy things to crop up (Prison Break! The Shield!) I happen to be watching Grey's at the moment and there appears to be a new (please please please say permanent!!) addition to the cast, and it's none other than Lucius Vorenus from Rome!! (aka Kevin McKidd who I believe to be the hotness!)

Highway Robbery!!!

2008-09-21T16:36:00.002-05:00

Effing Felix Pie just ROBBED Jason LaRue at home plate and I won't stand for it. I mean, there's nothing I can do about it, but I am pissed.

Also there is a Cubs post-season rally downtown soon and Jim Belushi is the emcee - I am torn between my need to see famous people and my hatred for the Cubs!!

Someone's been here...

2008-09-21T00:43:00.003-05:00

In the midst of a strangely hectic evening I had some visitors drop in! For the average Jane, this may not be worthy of a blog post, but for me it is. I was psyched to have some folks come over to hang out for a bit, and the meager evidence left behind made me smile. Someone's been sitting on my couch!

A Sad Day

2008-09-19T02:27:00.002-05:00

I despair to even post it, but just in case any of the Baseball Gods have me on RSS....

Go Brewers!

Zero sum game

2008-09-14T18:39:00.002-05:00

My recent hermit status necessitated a trip to the Convenience Store to procure a few items, and as you might expect, a tale came of it.

In order to get to said Store, I have to travel parallel to a main thoroughfare and cross over several minor ones. While I can normally traverse this course with no incident, today seems to be hell bent on establishing itself as one full of incidents! While crossing the first small intersection I had the walking man shining in my favor, so I looked to the main road to check for obstacles heading in my direction. There was indeed a car idling in preparation to make a left turn that would have put he and I in the same general road space. Now, I know I had the right of way, but I gestured slightly to the vehicle to go ahead and make it's turn.

I can't say why it is that I do this, but I always let cars go in front of me when turning in this situation. I suppose that I can sympathize (with the passengers at least) with the difficulty of getting a left on an major street in this city. Honestly though, I was in no hurry and I had no further impediment to my crossing, where as Joe Driver had some folks queued up behind him who, no doubt, were about to lay on their collective horns. So, even though I am merely a foot traveler, I was ready to let him go.

Then the magic started. He waved me, I waved him more earnestly, trying to convey the above paragraph to him via wide smile and swinging appendage. He doesn't go, I don't go, this goes on for 4-5 seconds until the inevitable happens - we both concede and we are locked in a sort of urban street dance, me and the 87 Saab. Alas, I jet across the intersection because I start to think that he thinks that I might be angling to bait him into some kind of pedestrian v. Saab personal injury suit. The remainder of my crossings were less eventful, boring even, but you'd probably be surprised to know how often I am a participant in this situational tango.

As you may have noticed, I'm on kind of a tear of luck these days, so in an effort to take advantage of some momentum I bought 2 scratch off lotto tickets at the store. I don't think that I've actually bought one since I moved here, but I used to be quite the scratcher back in my MO days, so surely I could count on IL Lottery beginners luck, right? Well, kind of. I won $4. While I did spend $4 to win it, no one could say that I didn't get a little thrill when one of My Numbers matched a Winning Number. And that jolt? Turns out it was free.

Oh snap.

2008-09-14T17:35:00.002-05:00

"When a waiter says, 'enjoy your food,' every time, I'll say 'you too.'"

That is only one of my favorite lines in this "Awkward Rap" video!

Also, "Do you I know you from life or from Facebook?" Ha!

The Ocho

2008-09-14T14:58:00.003-05:00

Can anyone explain to me why I have access to 5 ESPN's and they are showing: Billards, bowling, and 3 other things that are not 7 football games on right now?

There's no good way to show you this..

2008-09-14T05:53:00.002-05:00

This site I've come across is chock full of comic genius, but I can only link to the entirely-too-long-to-not employ-anchors-or-a-drop-down sub page, so I will have to direct you manually (?) to the bits I find most enticing.

In the order they appear (but not necessarily continuously), they are:

Arlin's Mac 'n' Cheese Bites

Generic-Brand Nicotine Polacrilex Lozenges

Popcorn-Soda Combo

Sugarless Tropical Twist

Penne à la Vodka

Naked All Natural Antioxidant 100% Juice Smoothie

And just to entice you to really read some of these, here's an excerpt I found particularly funny (from the entry Kellogg's Chocolate Peanut Butter Pops):

"How does Kellogg get away with a switch-up like this? Why would they call this cereal Pops when it is so clearly not Pops? Now I'm waiting nervously for the day I open a bottle of "New, Improved Taste!" Pepsi only to find it filled with Lil' Smokies."

Use a little of that Ctrl+F (or Cmd+F!) magic to skip to the ones I've listed so that you don't waste your time on the ones that I didn't find amusing, but take note that I stopped at the Kellogg's so as to save some humor for another day!

A melancholy town...

2008-09-14T05:22:00.003-05:00

Some observations:

- I walked around my apartment with my flip flops on the wrong feet for more than one and less than three hours.

- Do you ever get the feeling like something kind of big is about to happen to/for/because of you? Yeah, I'm not feeling that.

- Today is a big day for football, a fact which I am shocked to care about.

- Remember when functioning on 4 hours of sleep, drinking things without mixers, and dancing were commonplace? How is it that those things are memories already?

- I have a special way of crowding out a big worry with many minor and/or possibly fictional ones.

- This is one of many things that immediately causes me to slice the world up into a Venn Diagram: Which is which?

ETA: I will try to keep my next post less dramatic. Maybe something about the sinking of the Titanic.

Chicago 10

2008-09-13T15:32:00.003-05:00

In my quest to become more knowledgeable in general, I decided to watch the movie "Chicago 10." Having read that it was a documentary, I was already ready to fall asleep, but thought I'd give it the college try. To my utter surprise, it was very much worth the time!

It tells the story (based mostly on the court transcript) of a series of events that has been referred to both the "Chicago 7," and occasionally the "Chicago 8." The incident centered on a group of radicals who staged a "festival" in Lincoln Park in late 1968 to coincide with the Democratic National Convention, including their eventual arrests. The film is put together using footage of the protests and convention as well as animations of the trial accompanied by an attention-grabbing mix of contemporary music. As strange as that sounds, parts were, but it was easy to discard expectations of a traditional documentary while being quickly transported to a time where counter-culture was becoming mainstream and norms were being transformed.

Again I have to admit my rampant ignorance of history, even that as recent as the Vietnam War, and as such I was intrigued by how electric the atmosphere seemed at the time. Not only did I have zero knowledge that this event took place, I had no concept of the historical political climate in Chicago or its influence on a national level. The precedents set in a Cook County courtroom, and shortly after appealed, were just shy of appalling. Thanks to Wikipedia I found out that no one else has ever been charged with the “crime” for which the group was tried.

In the film footage you hear the movement for peace and change (omnipresent buzz word?) referred to as the Second American Revolution. Are we on our way to the Third? Do we need one?

There is much to say about the film and how it was done, and even more about the content, but I don't want to spoil it (even though it's actual history....,) so Netflix it and let me know what you think!

Monday morning quarterback?

2008-09-12T22:19:00.004-05:00

I don't want to make this some kind of political blog, but the atmosphere in which we currently live demands an increased responsibility to think about the consequences of the actions of not only our government but also ourselves. I'll be the first to say that the most I do personally for the well being of our planet is implementing the reusable bag about 30% of the time. Sometimes I am shocked at how very little I do and how much I constantly denigrate the world in which I live. I can only figure that it follows the pattern of most things in modern life, namely that people don't change behaviors until they are personally made to face the consequences of their own actions.

This little diatribe was prompted by watching an interview with one of our candidates for President that took place recently. Over the course of the questioning he was asked what he might have done differently had he been President when the events of 9/11 occurred. To my relief, he was not overly critical of the immediate actions of the current administration. I say this because I can't imagine any leader being prepared for what happened that day and I don't deign to question how that person reacted in the short term. The interesting part of the answer was that he put forth a scenario about the post-9/11 government's domestic response that really made me take notice. Paraphrasing, he asked how the US might be different today if the President had, instead of encouraging people to return to their normal routines and continue spending, called for a national push away from reliance on Middle Eastern oil.

Thinking back to that time, it is obvious that the country was eager to act, on individual, community, and national levels. I wonder now if there had been a drastic energy reform platform put forth at the time could it have motivated even the laziest (I'm looking at me) of our citizens to make changes? I know that there is of course no way of saying now what might have been (and this was pointed out in the interview), but can you not think of times when, on a individual level, you have been prompted to change a set of behaviors only as a result of a certain personal catastrophe?

I post this for no other reason than to put the discussion in front of the tiny audience who read this blog. While I have no ulterior motives and hope not to appear as if speaking from a soapbox, I do hope that it might make you think.

Strangely, in an entirely unrelated turn of events, I was directed to this website recently. Who knows if it could work but it's an interesting concept (Read "Our Bold Plan".)

Something's Gotta Give

2008-09-11T21:14:00.004-05:00

Shockingly I already did several productive things today so I was looking forward non-guiltily to a relaxing night of couch dwelling. Enter: programing drought. My DVR had nary a program scheduled to record this evening, which I can say is a rarity at best. Alas, I decided to actually flip through the guide to see if there was anything interesting on that I wouldn't normally be recording. It's funny I have no clue how many channels I get or what numbers they are - I don't even know the numbers of the major networks. NBC? I got nothing. I suppose that not having grown up here and/or being dictated to by DVR for 2 years has led me to this, but I still find it surprising when someone tells me to turn on Leno and I have to type it into the search box because I can't find the channel.

This evening, though, I encountered a stroke a of luck that led me to a movie I have long wanted to see: Something's Gotta Give. I remember the commercials looking good, or something to that effect, but most importantly my main man Jack Nicholson stars in it! Forgive me if I have not pronounced to you my overwhelming passion for Mr. Nicholson, and let me reassure you that this is not one of those "I respect you for your dedication to your craft" types of things. I straight up dig this guy. Never mind that his first film role was in the can before my parents learned to walk, or that he won his 2nd Oscar for his 39th film role during the year of my birth. Never mind all of that indeed, I heart the guy, and nothing as trivial as the fact that he was born amidst the Great Depression, the 2nd term of FDR, or the year that Amelia Earhart went missing can detract from that!

OK, time to get back to my movie. I had to pause it due to the abundance of commercials in non-recorded programming - who can sit through 3 minutes of Metamucil ads?

PS. If you know anyone who sounds/thinks/enters a room like Jack Nicholson please forward me his contact info. TV is not the only thing going through a drought!

Grofe

2008-09-10T22:33:00.006-05:00

Only a few minutes apart, but the sky went from warm to cold just that quickly.

Why are all my posts about sports?

2008-09-09T20:24:00.009-05:00

I am watching my first ever Cubs/Cards game in beautiful 1080i HD!

We (Cards) are 9 games out right now, so if we win this series and then win the Cubs' home series at the end of the month... OK, I admit that is a long shot but I'm really counting on the curse to kick in soon.

ETA: Wow, what a game! Things happened in this game that I've never even witnessed in baseball: a checked swing infield popper and a balk! It is a great day for Cardinal fans! Wooo!

Lights Out

2008-09-09T18:41:00.003-05:00

Most of the overhead lights in my apartment seem to have gone out in the past 2 days. Well that's not entirely true, the only light in the kitchen has been out for months, as has 1 of the bathroom lights. The difference now is that the remaining 3 seem to have all gone out simultaneously. It is dark and I can't reach them - send help.

Effing Oprah

2008-09-09T15:51:00.002-05:00

I should not watch Oprah. In fact, I stopped watching it quite some time ago because I am emotionally stunted and therefore cannot handle it. Today's showed not only proved that point, it drove it home in a messy, sniffling, sobby, ugly fashion.

Oprah had on the 175 athletes of Team USA and they all relived the Beijing games successes and tragedies. It was so damn full of joy and that one girl (Stephanie Brown Trafton) who won the discus throwing was so excited she could not even stay in her seat! I don't know if it was seeing them all together or seeing them here in Chicago or maybe it's just Oprah's ass that does it, but I was losing it left and right.

I guess what I'm saying is that I cry a lot.

5 is the magic number!

2008-09-08T21:14:00.002-05:00

My homeboy Roger Federer has won his 5th consecutive US Open title! I am so tired of the commentators saying that he has had such a shit year because really? COME ON!

The man is a straight up God and has proven so again! So what if he only met the #6 player in the finals and had an unseeded opponent in the quarters, I am not trying to hear that. What I hear is my own squeals of delight as he lifts the shiny shiny silver trophy aloft in victory!

Newness

2008-09-08T02:00:00.000-05:00

Ta-da! Here is my new blog/layout! I hope that this encourages me to blog more, I have more free time lately so I am all about the Internet!

Hi everyone!

Strongly Misleading

2008-02-10T15:05:00.000-06:00

I suddenly realize why others I know get so much blogging done - they are avoiding other things they have to do (ha!) I have something to get done for work so naturally I have spent a number of hours sitting in front of the computer working on it and am in need of a break.

That is a lie - I have been sitting here reading about strangers lives and listening to the Live from Madison Square Garden Summer 2000 *Nsync No Strings Attached Tour HBO Special mp3. It is long (like it's title) and I love pretty much every minute of it - I saw this show live twice and have listened to/watched this so many times that I know every cheesy intro and bit of filler before it even esacpes the mouth of the Timberlake. What's more is that I know that this is easily loud enough to be heard by the passerby outside my door in route to the laundry room on this, the most high-traffic of laundry days. And I don't give a shit.

Have you ever been fooled by your own senses!?! Well I have and it's not nice at all. No thanks to my lying sense of sight, I thought it was a lovely day out today. Let me tell you how it went down: There was a lot of sunshine spilling all up into my abode, therefore my eyes detected warmth and joy. As I do for all things I sense, I scurried to the internet to confirm what these lyin eyes were telling me. To my horror, the internet proves my eyes completely WRONG. It is 2 degrees. With wind chill? -20. Fahrenheit.

Frozen lake and the view that causes me to renew my lease with vigor.

In summary, this post serves to remind you not to listen to your eyes because they could be frozen right now, and would they even know if they were? Oh, and listen to *Nsync, it can ONLY help you.

Word up!

2007-11-06T22:15:00.000-06:00

Old Favorite Pun: A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

New Favorite Pun: When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Deja vu

2007-10-23T10:38:00.000-05:00

My intention was never to make this an Apple or Starbucks-centered week o'blogging but it appears that it is going to happen anyway! I found myself visiting the coffee mecca once again this morning and was excited to receive the latest SotD but in a strange twist of fate I was given three.

Why I want three of the same song by someone I don't know a thing about it, I'm not sure, but I am happy nonetheless!

Did anyone else receive multiple SotD cards today??

Another Starbucks Story

2007-10-22T10:32:00.000-05:00

I finally make it to Starbucks in the a.m. with a co-worker this morning and make her ask for the Song of the Day and yay! they still have some! The lovely overworked barista gives my cohort a card and as I try to mask my jealousy, she gives me one - double yay!

Then I take a look at my loot - DMB!! Come on, karma, give me a MF break - this thing will be redeemed over my dead body.

Today starts the regime of wo-blogging aka blogging from work - ha!

Holy shit

2007-08-18T23:07:00.000-05:00

This is the best song ever - fucking dl it now. Well this is the video for it which sucks but, dl it anyway - and READ a book mofo.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=rN2VqFPNS8w

Also ignore the word I don't like - I can't find an edited versiom :-)

Stamos + White Tease

2007-07-16T21:24:00.000-05:00

I love the song Hey Delilah (FU Brad tm C.H. ha!) by the band Plain White T's. I did not even know this band hailed from Chi, so that's a bonus. I couldn't pinpoint exactly why I liked it so much until I spent 25-ish minutes listening to it on loop (see previous entry). I just discovered that it has a lyric not dissimilar to one of my other fav (and professed 1st wedding dance) songs - Forever. (Listed in my iTunes as the artist? "Uncle Jessie feat. Beach Boys")

Forever fav lyric: "If every word I said could make you laugh, I'd talk forever."

Hey Delilah fav lyric: "If every simple song I wrote to you would take your breath away I'd write it all."

If someone, anyone really, said one of these things to me and I could, like, give them some Veritaserum to know they were not making that shit up I would so die.

PS. Someone should hack Guitar Hero to put Forever by Uncle Jessie in the lineup - there are 2 wicked solos in there. Did you know you could do that? Yeah, you can hack GH and add your own songs if you are smart!!! Also, this is like the iPhone of video games to me. I would rather have this and 3 friends (I'm looking at you Robbie, Brad and Bryan) than pretty much anything else in the world. It drops in November - Happy Birthday to me? Even the singing part counts - it knows if you sing it right. LOVE.

Significant Digits

2007-07-16T18:29:00.000-05:00

I refuse to start every blog I write with some blah blahing about not having blogged in awhile - SO THERE!

A colleague of mine said the greatest thing today. We were talking about math and rounding and things of that general nature and he said "I live my life in scientific notation." Seriously - if he was not totes engaged to some girl he has been dating since before the onset of puberty, I would have proposed on the spot. This also really got me thinking about my blog. Well, truth be told it got me thinking about parabola's, but then I was thinking about my blog straight away after that.

I have now been in Chicago for 1 year and 1 day which is so whack I almost don't believe the calendar. All at once I feel that I have just gotten here and that I have been gone from home for a really long time. Shortly after I arrived I remember thinking to myself "I just need it to be a year from now and then all this crap will have worked itself out." For the most part this has come to fruition, although admittedly in many different ways than I imagined (A Thousand Different Ways?)

Certainly I'd admit that a large percentage of these 366 days have been spent in a solitary fashion, but then I brought that on myself! I prefer to think of how fun the visits have been and how many hours of phone/internet time I have logged with all my BFF's while standing in/under/on trains and buses. Never have I been so conscious of where north v. south is or exactly how many loops of Popozao it takes to get from any 2 points with any certainty.

Most exciting is the number of things I have yet to see/do here and the number of visits I have to look forward to as the rest of my peeps from home make the pilgrimage up to the city by the lake to come see the sights with me (read: drink in my apartment and talk about how there are a lot of museums around.)

There are a number of things that I am still working on (please no one enumerate these in a comment) but that's life, no? One of these things is finding a Doogie Howser, MD-esque genius with a penchants for: records, baseball, difficult binomials, excessive drinking, game playing, celebrity hunting, hand-holding, apple butter, and dancing. Tell me that's too much to ask for and I'll tell you that I will not settle! Seriously, if you know someone - effing tell me you hold out.
This has rapidly turned into a post of really long sentences and I still have to eat dinner and watch Coming to America: Victoria Beckham. My boss has promised to take me to the already sold-out Galaxy v. some Chicago Soccer Team game so I totes have to get geared up.

Under the knife

2007-06-19T08:19:00.001-05:00

It's almost time for me to go under the knife which is super scary. In the spirit of me I awoke with a Limmerick in my noggin and a knot in my stomach. :: Ahem ahem ::

If he cuts the wrong hand that will suck,
Almost time so wish me Good Luck!
Going under the knife,
Has caused me such strife,
I bet I'll wake up and say Fuck.

Thank you, that is all.

"Justice does not help those who slumber but helps only those who are vigilant."

2007-05-07T01:23:00.000-05:00

I have tried twice to go to sleep. It's not working. I get in bed and my mind races - typical Sunday. So many things seem to be happening - good, bad, and ugly.

It is almost a "Hot time, summer in the city" and the "back of my neck [is] getting dirty and gritty." Well, maybe not gritty but you know. Also, I can't find my debit card. Again.

I feel like I would like to write a novel about something - regarding what I'm not certain, but I feel the urge all the same. Reading this frantic style post back to myself, I am becoming disillusioned with the likelihood of such a future. Maybe I could write a "Million Little Pieces" style book, those don't require much in the way of sentence structure. I wonder where Harpo Studios is? I bet I could stalk some celebs if I found it.

Also I wonder how many seemingly unrelated things I can work into this post. What should I get as a tattoo? I'm sure 07 is the year of Lauren's Tattoo, I just can't decide what it will be or where to get it or how I will pay for it. Can bruises be permanent? I certainly hope not.

Since only 1 person reads this blog I should just call her with this rant, but she is either sleeping or showering so I will just keep on keepin on here with the Internet. If everyone you knew well was in one room, what is the opinion they would all share? Can you think of one?

In my non sleep I was toying with the idea of a semi-regular-ish blog concept that goes a little something like this. I provide half a lyric and you can finish it with an original ending. I was laughing to myself as I finished many lyrics in my head and thought it could be comical. For some reason I kept replaying different portions of Bennie and the Jets as samples for this new smash-hit blogging mad lib. Ex. "She's got electric boots, a mohair suit....." YOU FILL IN SOME MORE. I have been compulsively singing that line to myself ever since I read it on the album liner when I was like 9. Weird.

I could not be further from sleep. I have only just now seen this thing at the bottom of the blog entry where you can put labels - hmm. I never ever considered how the more accomplished in the blogging world complete such feats. I would do it, but really wtf would I label this? Elton John? Rambling? Uselessness? My Unlikely Future as an Author?

I've just noticed that my supposed night's sleep has transformed itself into a power nap, as I have to be up momentarily. I decided that instead of labels I will put footnotes to the post in the labels section. This accomplishes duel goals: 1. Bucking the system and 2. Ensuring that no one will ever know what the hell is going on with my blog. Yesssss!!

Gives back...

2007-04-24T23:53:00.000-05:00

Well shit. I have not posted in a month of Sunday's and that is not a good lead in to this post.

I just watched Idol - anyone in my immediate emotional vicinity must know what that means. Breakdown:30.

I won't even go into my thoughts on the actual show right now, things like "How did I get so cynical that I was wanting to puke before the show even started even though it is all about charity and people in the world need some fucking help and who am I to be up in arms while I eat macaroni and cheese leftovers sitting on sheets expensive enough to cure the fucking plague."

Some days I get honest to God (caps?) pissed that the iPod I got as a gift from people who heart me will not shuffle in a different order than the iTunes (that I hate bc I am too stupid to work) at home or even differently than some other point at which I shuffled on the iPod and recalled a vague order of the tunes.

I mean really, there is almost nothing that can be said about the level of bullshit that is, but I think/feel it nonetheless. Go figure.

In these situations I feel it is most detrimental to put 5 most sad songs you have handy on shuffle and lay in bed. If work is looming, certainly consider that 2nd glass of wine as you soak your pillow. Also voting a lot on your POS phone attached to the wall helps.

I saved some motherfuckers tonight by calling 1.866 (not 800) numbers.

Mobile Blogging + new Blogger = SUCK.

2007-03-12T20:56:00.000-05:00

This morning as I was on my merry way into work I hunkered down between a guy who was The Hotness and a girl who was The Trendiness and set off to tell a tale of nylon, muffins, and crotch holes. After a full 35 minutes of thumb typing (which I am pretty good at these days!) I was happy with my installment and scrolled down to post said greatness. Publish. Publish. Publish.

Nothing. Nada. Nary have I been one to forfeit a great piece of literature for mere lack of convenience, so I did what any semi-dedicated-in-bursts-blogger would do and I left that screen on my phone all day with my precious words staring up at me. My original intention was to transcribe the story onto the actual Internet once I got to work, but as most of you have seen by now, I spent the day filling your in-boxes with FUN, so my blog was neglected.

Alas, even though it is 9pm and I wrote this 13 hours ago and I have just made it home and I am tired and need to hang out with my BFF Tivo, I am going to type this whole mother out for you to read.

804 am:

"I did it. I bought some Spanx.

If you are unfamiliar with Spanx, turn on the TV, crack a Cosmo, or take a look at Katherine Heigl's ass. Spanx is a line of handmade hosiery that is supposed to cure one of the awful maladies know as VPL and Muffin Top Syndrome. They are ridiculously expensive as far as hose go (not to be confused with ho's, they are relatively cheap by comparison there, but that is about a nonsensical relationship to consider, no?)

As the Big Boned Ladies Clothing Store sends me coupons by the bushel and my current wardrobe has an unexpected turn towards the shabby chic (sans chic), I took myself on a little shopping trip yesterday. After many detours to photograph coveted Diane Von Furstenberg luggage and aisle upon aisle of heavenly foot coverings, I landed at the BBLCS where I found the Spanx.

The best thing about this particular uber-undergarment is the joy I discovered while attempting to don it last night, all the while yipping the product's name, "SPANX SPANX SPANX." Most assuredly it is times like these when you can all be glad I live alone.

The item I chose shapes from directly under the bust down to right under the knee, employing NASA-grade nylon to make it appear that I ate something other than chocolate cake all weekend long. As of Hour 1.5 I am still pleased with the ratio of comfort to slimming; please commence holding your breath to see if that ration will stay constant, as I am not going to be able to take a full breath until 8pm (ETA 830!!) when I get this thing off!

I will try to give periodic updates on the status of Project: SPANX as the day continues barring any black-outs or the gnawing off of my super-drawers.

PS. It just struck me as fucking hilarious what I/people will do to not have to take proper care of themselves. I could have just taken the 20 minutes of extra time I allotted myself this morning and gone on a little jog or something, right? Alas, I did not. I did, however. bring a Smart One Meal for lunch for fear that is I ate anything more substantial the garment would revolt and leave me muffin-y all over the place @ the office. Seeing as this Smart One had taken up residence in the freezer for quite a spell, I suppose I've got to put another tally in the SPARX column!"

That was the blog. I am spent from trying to communicate via the Internet and the telephone and, God forbid, in person!

PS. In case you didn't hear yet, I am going to see Justin Timberlake tomorrow night! For.free!!! On.the.floor!!!!!!!! Could I be any more excited? (tm Chandler)

Another Fall from Grace

2007-03-07T19:49:00.000-06:00

I bet when reading that snappy title you assumed that I meant a metaphorical "fall from grace," as in "Oh, she's shamed herself again..." You would be wrong - I meant it quite literally. "Another" as in this is not nearly the first time, "Fall" meaning I lost my ability to remain upright in a moving pattern wherein I propel myself forward in a continuous motion, "Grace" a name I call myself (or more accurately, others call me when they are pointing) as a sort of comedic misnomer.

I was on my way home from dropping of the Charge and remembered (thankfully) that I needed to stop at Walgreen's for some household items (paper towels, TP, nail file, eye makeup remover and toothpaste...just in case you were wondering.) I jaunt into the store, find my items and make a swift exit, as I am eager to be home and out of ~~my pants~~ the cold. The store is about 6 blocks from my building, blocks I normally traverse on a feet-smelling bus. However, it is useless for me to wait out in the cold for the bus when I could easily walk home, so on nights I have to get off the bus to make a stop, I walk the rest.

I am walking briskly down the street freezing my ta-ta's off and walk past the very spot where I took a notable tumble about a month back (photos of injuries available upon request) and I SHIT YOU NOT I thought to myself "would it not be hysterical if I fell again HAHAH" and I took serious note of the surroundings because I did not remember them from the first fall. So observant was I that I recall there is a hair salon right at the corner that has a sign on the door the says "Hair Color $22." I thought to myself, well shit I pay $10.99 for the box from Target that fades in 3 days, maybe this is the ticket! I quickly realized that they must be talking about the actual Dye Product because everything in Chicago is a fucking racket really.

Immediately after this thought wrapped up I noted how great it was to be in control of my own destiny, more specifically being able to choose my VERY FAVORITE brand/flavor/tartar control level/whitening ability of toothpaste. My destiny may be limited but it's all up to ME - ha!

To further digress, something in the tone of Anthony Federov's voice as he serenaded me about being "crippled emotion-ally" made me decide to cross the street, and cross I did. I should have listened further and heard the message from God that said "I knew you were waiting....(to fall on your ass)" but I did not.

After much ado I will set the scene for the "incident..."

Stage direction: The wind swirls, hand in hand a couple strolls up ahead in that secret-from-the-world-throw-up-in-your-mouth-way, remnants of last nights snow scattered to and fro, old classics float through Sony headphones...

"L is for the way you look at me,
O is for the only one I see...,
V is very ver..

WIPEOUT.
SHE IS DOWN.

AGAIN.

I fell hard with about 75% of my slight weight on one knee and the other 25% on the corresponding wrist and opposite shin. Sweet. The pukey couple stops and asks me if I'm OK, to which I respond with a series of curses that I believe came out something like "You stupid f**king piece of mother f**king bastard ice I wish you were never BORN!!!!!."

Unbeknownst to me there was also an unnamed male youth behind me whom I had startled! After the couple passed the startled party picks up my ass wipe and Aquafresh Extra Whitening Power Look Just Like Ryan Seacrest Toothpaste and asks after my health. I assure him I am hurting like hell and that I'm not certain I will walk again when he kindly tells me that he will walk me to my door. Taken off guard I quickly recant and tell him I'll be fine and thank you very kindly I'll make it home to which he replies "I'll help you." We had an eye-lock Oprah/Clay it Forward moment and I said "Well if you insist!" (NB: there was really no eye-lock as I was on the ground and he was upright, but I did think of Oprah.)

This lovely gentleman walked me all the rest of the way whilst carrying all of my bags and chatting about his job and how he does not take cabs anywhere ("Oh me either" I responded - LIE!) I thanked him profusely at the door to my building and inquired about how much further he had to walk home when he informed I had gimped past his building about 3 blocks ago. Color me surprised by and besotted with this individual! After a brief pause during which I envisioned the episode of Oprah where we appear as panel guests on our 25th anniversary (a surprise for me!) and tell her of our chance meeting and passionate courtship, he tells me that his ex boyfriend used to live in my building.

He told me to take care of myself and ice my knee straight away (I did not) and then left me at the front door. From this experience I gained many insights, namely:

- "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." (tm Anne Frank)

- My knee hurts

- Ann Coulter is a big-mouthed horsey-looking indulgent fame whore who should be locked away until such time as she realizes that this is the year Two fucking Thousand and Seven and T.R. Knight could kick her bleach-blond ass all over the set of Hannity and Colmes.

ETA: That last part was just something that had to be said, it is possibly unrelated to the above story.

Thin veil

2007-02-22T00:28:00.000-06:00

These recent times are chock full-o-shit and I am at a bit of a loss for words about the whole damn thing. Luckily there is music that affords not only an escape but a measure of comfort. Hopefully this sentiment is echoed to some degree by those around me, as they are the ones in real need of peace at the moment.

With this in mind I submit the songlist I cannot stop listening to right now:

1. P! at the D - I Write Sins not Tragedies
2. Elvis - Kentucky Rain
3. Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
4. Faith Hill - Amazing Grace
5. The Raconteurs - Steady As She Goes

oh Hell of Hells

2007-01-24T23:56:00.000-06:00

This sucks.

Why does she get to slow dance in a burning room?

This just in...God does not exist.

Greatness

2007-01-24T18:52:00.000-06:00

Everyone:

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go to this site www.thingsmyboyfriendsays.com - it is great and I need someone else to see it!!

eeeee!!!

2007-01-16T20:14:00.000-06:00

I am almost home for the day and almost frozen through but the soundtrack of my life aka iPod has shuffled to MDYK JN04 Chicago so I am pretty much perfect right now.

Savage Garden

2007-01-16T07:58:00.000-06:00

My FAV Savage Garden song is rocking in my Apple ear buds and I am psyched. Not only bc I love this song (If love was red then she was color blind - who doesn't love lyrics like that?) but bc I have managed to keep these headphones in my ears for more than 5 minutes!! The wraparound headphones I love so broke yesterday in my fervor to demand a turkey sandwich. Sad.

I missed the GG's last night so if you know of anything great that I need to see, feel free to link it to me! What I did not miss, however, was the breakout hit known as "Grease: You're the One That I Want." This show is a mash-up of high school musical theater and American Idol - a sure recipe for success in my book! The Lurker turned me on to it and I must stay that I am enjoying it immensely.

I see from the front page of my bus-mates Red Eye that JHud has won some type of award at the festivities. While I have yet to see her movie, I am confident that the only award I would give her would be "Idol That Won't Go Away No Matter How I Will HerTo Do So." No me gusta her.

So I left the casa only a few moments late but it appears that there is some type of SNAFU with the CTA and the bus has not moved in approx 15 minutes - ass. I am off to read GG Fug.

ETA!!!! OMG what about Posh and Becks!!! I am v.v. excited to have them in LA soon. adore them and pretty much everything they touch. Good thing I'm a new fan of Football... er, soccer?

Zero fucking degrees

2007-01-15T21:26:00.000-06:00

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold??

One's a sick duck... I can't remember the end but you're mother's a whore.

Shelly Winters

2007-01-15T08:07:00.000-06:00

It looks like mother winter or whatever he/she/it is called has woken up for good. All weekend it was cold as hell and now it is snowing like all get out.

I got so much done in the casa this weekend, I am feeling very accomplished. Of course a result of this productivity was an inbility to fall asleep last night in my new clean surroundings. Fast forward to this am - I am chillen on LSD @ 814, approx 15 minutes from work. Oops.

On another note, shows are back from weird mid season wintry holding pattern! I tivoed 24 even though I am way back on Day 3 still. I will catch up!! Idol starts this week so the spreadsheets, emails and frantic rankings are right aroun the corner - yay! I am mildly sad about having no one to watch with. Is that strange that Idol brings this out more than other things? Oh well.

Hopefully my DVR will not explode this week.

No hablo espanol bien.

2007-01-14T17:29:00.000-06:00

I have spent many hours today unpacking (and repacking) my apartment. Even though I have been here for a bit, I have scarcely made time to go through all my shit. One reason for this is because I knew all along that "unpacking" would turn into "examining every item I have ever owned." This is indeed happening. I found one item that casused me to wade through the crap back to the computer in order to post this.

When I was a mere youth of 18 years I was one of those overly ambitious sorts who declared (aka submitted to the department secretary) 2 majors! One of said majors was International Business (ha - look where that got me...oh wait...) while the other was Espanol (that's Spanish to you Bryan!) It was during this course of study that I realized a few things:

1. I kind of suck at Spanish once it gets hard.
2. After the first one, rum doesn't burn nearly as bad!
3. Red Bull is greater than or equal to sleep.

With this enlightenment I began to really excel in the two classes I managed to get myself to - ha! OK, possibly it wasn't as bad as all that, but this note from my profesora de espanol really led me to reconsider my choice(s) of major:

(This is copied verbatim from my Composition Book. I can only imagine that I dropped Spanish at this point because there is nothing else in the book..)

Lauren,

You are very intelligent and your writing is interesting and like you - from the heart. However, you are your own worst enemy. You do your Spanish homework at the last minute, you forget to bring it to class, you talk to Sean instead of listening when we cover something you think is boring and very often miss something important. If you really want to learn Spanish, spend 1 hr. a night going over 501 Verb book - learn to conjugate the verbs, check your spelling, make sure your adjectives agree with your nouns - all the things that are necessary if you want to learn the language.

HAHAHAHA. All the things I did so well in the first 12 years of schooling seemingly disappeared from my behavior set in college, this sounds like something written to a 5th grader!! Well, I got through and loved the third major I chose, so I say All is Well that ends well!

Long time no see

2007-01-11T07:53:00.001-06:00

Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last blog.

All hail the return of moi! I have been quite busy lately and have let my pretty blog go down the crapper it seems. I hate to be one of those "fair-weather bloggers" that no one is always talking about but, I am.

I am always thinking of things to blog about whilst riding the bus so I finally figured I'd just write LIVE from public transportation from now on. I intended, this morning, to write a little ditty about my past 3 months, but let's be real here, it's not like anyone reading this has no clue where I've been or anything (With the exception possibly of the dud who I think is reading this over my shoulder as I type it - hi dude!) My semi-inaugural post was thwarted further by my inability to recall my password - unfortunate.

In conclusion, I am back on the internet and will soon be thrilling the tiny masses with my tales of mass transit as I participate in, err, mass transit.

Happy Birthclay!!!

2006-10-16T11:03:00.000-05:00

Today is the birthday of my sister and BFF, Audra!! I would like to take a moment here to wish her a happy birthday and reflect on some of my favorite memories of all the fantastic times we have had together.

While I'm sure that somewhere in my head there are earlier memories stored, my go-to memory of Audra and I growing up is of sitting on the toilet seat in the bathroom (lid down) while Audra was curling her hair (back then it occasionally needed artificial curling.) No matter where she was headed, I always wanted to be part of the getting ready. I have crystal clear memories of watching her in total awe as she wielded the curling iron and chewed on her tongue in intense concentration.

Those skills came in quite handy when years later I would have a series of small hair crises and badly need a helping hand. I recall a 10th grade homecoming dance, during a particularly rough patch of growing out a bad cut, before which I was in tears over the state of my head. Audra came into the room armed with hairspray and the 1.5" barrel curling iron and turned my semi-mullet into the most unique and tall hair I can ever remember sporting. I felt like a total beauty queen and have never forgotten it.

In between these events were many others that I know helped shape our relationship, and I can see now that many of the behaviors formed in those days are still a part of our rapport, for example...

When Audra cleaned her room as a youth, I was constantly at the ready to snap up anything that she didn't want/need/have space for any longer. I coveted these cast-off's almost as much as I enjoyed the time sitting on the floor watching Audra go through all the important little pieces of her life. To this day I am consistently trying to get her 'cast-off's,'' although I'll readily admit that as time has progressed, so has the quality of the extra stuff floating around (I am, however, still holding out for that sparkly rhinestone metal box and the ubiquitous black bag of greatness!)

Some of my other favorite memories come from the only year of high school I even remotely enjoyed, the freshman year during which it seemed to me that my sister ruled the school. This time is chock-full of funny stories and crazy high school antics, the best of which included: attending each and every meeting of band class together and paying strict attention to all marching formations, getting passes get out of English class while Audra worked in the school office, watching her on the Military Ball court (win or not, who remembers?) for my first HS dance, and hanging out in the Escort (big ups to 2Pac) as well as the wonderfully perfumed orange car and feeling generally awesome to be hanging out with the Class of 97!

A bit of a jolt forward in time brings me to my college days during which Audra filled many of the most important roles in my life and I began to realize that not even IM, phone calls, visits, email and texting could bring us together often enough to share all the nuances of life I wanted to fill her in on. Between serving as financial backer, drinking buddy, late night Johnny's chicken delivery service, co-worker, cheerleader, partner in crime (literally?), and general taxi service, mi hermana was always there to listen to me bitch, cry, or more importantly, laugh, when I needed to. Without all these forms of support during this time in my life, I'm not entirely sure I would have made it through college, and I can say with confidence that I would not have had nearly as many good times and fantastic memories.

When I think of Audra in the years since my graduation, I seem to fixate on luggage, long lines, stomach-wrenching excitement, uncontrollable surges of joy, and the glorious sounds of OMC as he sings and tugs his way into most facets of out lives together. As she is the stronger recapper, I will rely on the straight numbers to tell the story of our years united by Clay. 2 – the # of times we have each met the Man. 8 - # of states we have seen him in together. 1 - # of M&G's I spent explaining to Clay that I was indeed Audra's sister. 47,926 - # of phone calls it has required from Audra to wake me from a dead sleep for a Claymergency. 2.5 - # of major US cities whose streets we have camped on together for periods of time exceeding 12 hours (Cleveland get a half because we weren't directly together the entire time - ha!) 0 - the # of other people I'd rather have on any given Clay trip.

Of all the things I could say here in honor of Audra's birthday, there are none more important than saying thank you for all the things you do, say (or don't say!), help with, and contribute to my life. I wish very much that I could have been there for your bday celebration and will regret missing it just as much as that other one I might have missed a few years back, but I hope that you still have tons of fun and that all day people tell you how fantastic and intelligent and honest and accomplished and absolutely stunning you are. If for some reason they don't, call me, I'll try to answer the phone!

I am so proud of you as a sister, friend, fellow alumna, and as a Claymate. Happy Birthday and much love,

Lauren (Audra's sister)

PS. Also thanks for taking me to the hospital that one time I almost died, that was very nice.

PSL's

2006-10-10T23:57:00.000-05:00

Re: my previous post, I was just thinking that if Audra was a S. Girl, she would be...

Wait for it...

Pumpkin Spice!!!

Carol Theiver

2006-10-09T17:49:00.000-05:00

How did Victoria Beckham steal everything in life I ever wanted?

Member of awesome band? Check!

Ever-evolving but always relevant hairstylings? Check!

Ability to carry off wearing the absolute most mind-blowingly awesome pair of gloves ever to be sewn by the nimble fingers of either Dolce or Gabbana? Check and check!

I wish she would be my friend so that she could spice up my life and also let me watch the Mr. take showers and stuff.

Sometimes don't you just really really really wanna zig-a-zig ahhhhh?

ETA. During the intensive research for this Posh & Becks blog posting I looked through 28 pages of google images of David Beckham. If he could sing Mary Did You Know we might have a problem. Also, this is a great read for a quick laugh.

Down in the Jungle Room.

2006-10-08T04:21:00.000-05:00

I am starting to think "misheard" is not a word.

Who the fuck knows, I didn't spellcheck that business!! If it's not, please tell me (NOT.)

Hey, BTW, "Tell me are you a Christian, child?"

Mu Mu Land

2006-10-08T03:59:00.000-05:00

So tonight I called everyone I know and got either no response or some great response but one that was filled with other good times going on (which is awesome for those that were getting their fun on.) No matter the answer, it drove me right to my portable hard drive for some sweet ass jams that I ordinarily ignore such as "Heartbeat, It's a Love Beat," and "Justified and Ancient."

It happens to be the second of these 2 that brings me to tonight's blog. I have been told recently that not even those I think closest to me understand what is regularly written on this damn blog, so I thought I'd really spell it out tonight in hopes of attracting a few more comments.

I love the song "Justified and Ancient" by KLF feat. Tammy Wynette, and I have an almost misheard lyric that cracks me up each time I hear it. Soon after the great "The called me up in Tennessee" line, Tammy says a line that I had always thought was misheard all these years that went something like this... "They're Justified, and they're Ancient,and they drive an ice cream van."

Well I'll be damned if that is not the actual lyric - I had been laughing at myself for years about that and my lack of knowledge concerning the real words!!! It's a mighty shame that of all the things I could have chosen to pick on myself about I picked a misheard lyric that is not even misheard.

At this point I am beginning to wonder if this post will be any easier to understand to anyone - I'm guessing maybe not, but at least it has nothing to do with John McEnroe (or CV's dirty dream about him.)

Maybe Good Night to All!?

Blog whore

2006-10-05T00:11:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm still up and John McEnroe is coming to a close, so I thought I'd depart from an evening filled with blogging by throwing the attention to one of the most witty things I've seen in awhile. Lo and behold it's from one of my recent fav blogs, Indexed (see Blogroll for more, PLEASE!)

I would post the image here but you know by know I cannot really do that properly with these ongoing template issues, and this blog does not seem to link to individual entries, so here's the link to my fav.

This is titled "You have to be fully vested to see returns"

A laugh when you need one.

2006-10-04T23:41:00.000-05:00

I thought this was a good laugh, and the site has now been rolled by me.

Not for the squeamish

And although I know these have gone around the internet several times in several incarnations, I had to repost 1...or 2..?

1. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

2. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

If you do not know to what these bits of greatness are referring, please go stand in the corner for 5 minutes.

I'll serve your ass like John McEnroe.

2006-10-04T23:14:00.000-05:00

Well, as many other bloggers have noted lately, it's been a bit since I last graced the internet with my presence! Honestly, (and you know I'd never lie to you Internet) there has been little in the way of goodness to wax poetic about. Lately I've had the strangest feeling....oh no wait, that's a song.

In an effort to pull myself up by my bootstraps (WTF does that mean really?), I have delved into worlds previously unknown to me, ie...

- college football (for you BAF)
- sports biographies
- newspaper reading
- tracking foreign debt
- having daydreams about night things (jj)

JIC you haven't seen me on a train or on the mean streets of Chicago lately, I am totally engrossed in John McEnroe's pseudo-auto-biography entitled "You Cannot Be Serious." It is interesting and I am enjoying it more than one might think, but it is now impossible to get the line "I'll serve your ass like John McEnroe" and the next few lines out of my head!

A funny: Last night a friend and I went to a local watering hole and they had a kind of bad DJ and then out of the blue he start to rock the great jams of the 90's, por ejemplo: Ice Ice Baby, Poison, and the mother of all gangsta joints, Coolio's Gansta's Paradise. I turned into one of those 30-something women who start to thrash their heads around when Whitesnake comes on with the quickness, it was great/aging.

I suppose that's all she wrote for now.

FU Flickr

2006-09-18T00:39:00.000-05:00

Audras Graduation 036
Originally uploaded by hattyle.

Is this ever going to work?

See the world in green and blue...

2006-09-14T18:39:00.000-05:00

Today is a fantastically beautiful day here and I wish all my peeps could have been here to do something like go to a winery or sit on a patio with me and have a Bucket of Fun or something.

If you are reading this, I miss you.

Pandora's Box

2006-09-13T11:46:00.000-05:00

While attempting to avoid U2 burn out today (unsuccessful), I recalled the service Pandora - an Internet Web Radio that's not only free but smart! When you put in an artist's name, it makes a station for you with songs by that person and others similar to them then you can tell it which ones you like or don't like as they come on! Commercial and buffering free and oh so aestetically pleasing, how did I forget about this jem? Well, I recalled it a bit ago and tuned in to my favorite station, "Clay Aiken radio" where the first song was none other than the controversial piece by that very artist by the name of "Touch!"

Great.

Then as if it could get any better, the unobtrusive (really its almost static!) Amazon banner above the current song's cover art displayed The Hair and The Album Cover of The Man - and with the low low price of $9.72. MOAM and ATDW covers together. Stunning.

Summer in the city.com

2006-09-13T11:13:00.000-05:00

It is downright chilly out today.

This morning I awoke at 6:30 am, right on schedule, and then proceeded to accidentally snooze until 7:08 am, not on schedule. I was expected here at the reception desk promptly at 8:30 and my 7.8 mile commute takes 50-55 minutes; I'm sure you can see the hectic path this is leading down! Shower, brush, pants, door - little time for anything else, including umbrellas and work shoes.

You see Internet, it has been raining, nay pouring, for as long as I can remember. FYI, I can remember like 4 days or so. I have, during this difficult time, perfected the art of getting myself to and fro with a minimum of stress and/or lingering wetness. Step 1. Wear flip-flops, Step 2. Carry umbrella, Step 3. Bring work appropriate kicks in convenient plastic bag, Step 4. Change upon arrival and put f-f's and umbrella into convenient plastic bag. I know, I know - you are hoping that by reading this some of my smarts rub off on you and you too can come up with dyn-o-mite plans like this, but it just doesn't work like that.

Alas, here I sit in flip-flops with still-lingering wetness and a convenient plastic bag balled up empty in my purse. The best part is that when I got here, at 8:28, I had to wait outside the door until 8:39 for someone who actually works here to roll in.

Breaking News.

2006-09-13T10:29:00.000-05:00

I just got handed something to do.

It involves envelopes and also folding.

Awesome.

You are bizarre.

2006-09-13T09:37:00.000-05:00

If you guessed The Smurf's Theme as the melody to the previous post, you are correct! For your efforts you will receive some lengthy posts about what I did last night and a Whitman's Sampler (tm ajf Fotki) of other things you don't care about.

La la la la la la, la la la la la la.

2006-09-13T09:13:00.000-05:00

This is my new fav blog. I love it. A lot. Other than the obvious reasons (Venn diagrams, bar graphs, etc.), I love it because I really wish I had thought of it first and I think it's muy muy innovative and well done.

BTW, I think today is going to be declared "Ye day o' Many Blogposts" because I envision the next few hours progressing like this otherwise:

9:31 am: Fall asleep a little

9:33 am: Wake up a little

10:01 am: Post mark some mail

10:18 am: Fall asleep a little

10:36 am: Restart U2 playlist (it's the only music on the comp in English)

10:55 am: Tire of saying good morning, consider saying "G'day" but think better of it

11:02 am: Wonder if anyone has commented on this post, frantically refresh blog.

11:17 am: Wake up a little

11:34: am: Get water

11:51 am: Wonder aloud if there is such a thing as a lethal combination of boredom, starvation, and Bono

11:59 am: Empty history, depart from Chicago's Leading Hispanic Publication

While I can hear the skeptics grumbling already, rest assured that I can very easily do less than this if challeneged.

So many horas, so little to do...

2006-09-12T16:02:00.000-05:00

First of all, Congrats to Emily for passing her Nursing Boards!! Yay!

Second of all, you should all go to Youtube and look for the trailer for the Borat movie coming out in November, it looks like Sacha Baron Cohen has once again touched something and now we get to watch it turn into comic gold!! I have spent the past few evenings laughing at great impersonations of Borat by my housemate (I am using housemate now because I want to and they do it on Real World and really, I guess it should be "Apartmentmate," but that is difficult and so I pass) and it has inspired me to inspire you to look at the trailer. You won't be disappointed (if you have a decent sense of humor, that is.)

Third of all, a solicitor came into my temporary place of business today, blatantly bypassing the NO SOLICITING sign on the door, and tried to peddle me some happiness. I was receptive at first only because she had a big smile and I understood nary I word spewing from her face. I should take a moment to explain to those of you who don't know (anyone, anyone?) that I am working at a Chicago's Leading Hispanic Publication, un periodico which shall remain nameless, but which is entirely in Spanish. While I'm almost certain that this building is full of wonderful people, I can speak only about 5 words to them so I'm not really sure. But I digress, a woman came into the office today and I, being the receptionist of the day, greeted her. She asked me some questions like: "Family important to you, yes?" and "Do you love your children, no?" I nodded because I could barely understand her and thought to myself "We're full up on crazy here ma'am." Then she opens up a 7th grade style 3 ring and goes to town on her little speech about how she is fundraising for the families of the world and how they need me to make them better families and once all the families are all better then I will be happy!! Well I'll be! All this time I had no idea what would bring me happiness and here it is, clear as day, I just have to give this lady my last $3.00 and eventually it will all come back to me! Alas, the strict NO SOLICITING policy was staring me in the face and I had to tell the lady to peddle her lunacy elsewhere, no matter how much I wanted to help (not at all) my hands were tied. She got the message after a few head shakes and little pointing at the sign, reached in her bag and gave me a fortune-cookie-style scrap of paper and a tootsie roll and went on her merry way with a resounding "Peace to the families."

"Well" I thought as I reviewed the scrap in my hand, "that was hilarious." I was taken aback when I read the whole message and thought it imperative that I pass it on to the Internet. Here is my tiny fortune in all it's unadulterated glory:

"Side A. The True Love Pledge (in Lucida Calligraphy)

From this day forward, I commit myself to:

1. Practice true love as a child, friend, spouse, & parent;
2. Preserve my love for my future marriage partner;
3. Dedicate myself to my marriage partner in complete fidelity;
4. Respect all families beyond race, nationality or faith, and raise my children to do the same.

Side B. Bless the Family: Save the Nation

True love between a man and a woman is a sacred gift from God to be cherished and honored.

Rebuild the family...Restore the community...Renew the nation and world!"

Honestly I can't think of proper words to express my disdain for that woman and her inability to read the sign on the door which then caused me to receive this ludicrous message on this rainy nasty day! It is well known that when given lemons, I will make lemontini's straight away, and so I am taking this opportunity to let you all in on a little something that I joined and that I will (fingers crossed) be spending a little time with in the future! I have joined the Human Rights Campaign! I would greatly encourage you guys to take a gander at the website and let me know your thoughts! If you're so inclined, browse over to the Million for Marriage petition and see what it's about. Don't despair if it's not your thing, I will not be knocking on your door with a 3-ring binder!

ETA: I will pay someone $10 to figure out how in the H I can get pictures on this blog without messing up all the formatting, I am starting to bore myself with all this text. Seriously. Bored.

Project Runway...er...Emily

2006-08-29T22:21:00.000-05:00

I was helping Emily study for her Nursing Boards and one of the choices in one of the random questions was choice C: Senile Vaginitis.

'nuff said.

Blogger Comments Be DAMNED!

2006-08-27T15:52:00.000-05:00

OK, so I was attempting to comment on the (Little?) General's blog and the word verification would not show up so that I could log in properly so I was unable to submit my very long comment. Luckily, I had copied it. I headed over to BG.com to post it there with a note of re-direction and ta-da! he had posted about the same thing I was commenting on, hence my comment would be appropriate at either site. Yippee, thats karma! Then the word verification would not work there either - come on now karma!! In the interest of sanity I decided to post the comment here in hopes that the concerned parties may see it. Here it be.

RE: Thank you NBC via Neighbor & BG.com

"OMG how funny that you all flipped to this! In a rare moment of bonding both of my roommates, one fo their GF's, and I were all sitting around at the same time and finally turned on the TV( I think it has been on maybe twice since I brought it here.) Lo and behold, the same swimming was on and I was like OH NO YOU ARE NOT CHANGING THE CHANNEL! It was great - I launched into a whole soliloquy about how much I like to watch swimming on TV and about CV and Brendan and their Olympic love and how that was like 1 of 3 times I ahve ever seen Brendan outside of work (the Olympics.) Then I got started on the anomaly the is Michael Phelps' wingspan. By the time I looked around, everyone was pretty much cleared out of the room - ha! How about Coughlin (sp?) getting whipped by Japan (maybe?) in that last stroke? Ouch!"

It's a Carebear Countdown

2006-08-21T14:34:00.000-05:00

There is nothing even to say about this....KFed (but not teen choice!)

It is crappy quality and totally ridic in general but how could I not link it?

Oh, BTW reader(s), it is on like Donkey Kong for Kimmel in LA. You know what that means...CA and and ocean!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I am making someone give me a job today, so I must away!

Insert clever title for half-assed post.

2006-08-15T17:44:00.000-05:00

Home again, home again jiggity jig.

I went back to the 'Lou this past weekend for good times with some of the fam and the American Idols Live Tour! It was all good in the hood, and even though I didn't get to see my fav corner bar in it's newly demolished state, I did do many other fun and spontaneous things!

First of all, Megabus. If you live in Chicago or other major midwestern city and want to travel to Chicago, peep it - it is the best way to roll! I traveled to and from StL with approx 35 strangers on a MEGAbus and had quite a pleasant time. There was DVD watching and reading and sleeping and peeing - all on the bus.

I interrupt this very important blogging session to insert a link to one of the most fantastic things ever. I came across this on a site I frequent, and while I would love to embed the video for you, I am still experiencing template issues that prohibit that, so here's the link.

Great - Audra, don't miss this!

I swear I will continue the story of a girl and her bus later, but I gotta roll for now!

The human torch was denied a bank loan.

2006-08-09T02:47:00.000-05:00

The Sears Tower is playing children's games with me.

I've noticed lately that some nights the twin "poles" at the top of the Sears Tower are illuminated with different colored lights. Right now they are dark, save the blinking white lights for warding off passing stealth fighters. Earlier this evening, though, they were lit up with a definitively green hue, while a previous sighting found them red!

I have come up empty on my quest to discern the reasoning behind this, as it is obviously not seasonal of any sort. I've come to the conclusion that the tower is simply playing "Red Light, Green Light" with our fair yet windy city.

I'd hate to think that I was the only one playing along with this, the simplest of childhood games, but I have seen nary a Chicagoan stop upon seeing the tip top of the tower shine red.

I ate a big, red candle.

2006-08-07T16:30:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter of Apology

Dear General L,

The word on the street is that you may have thought me dead due to my non-responsiveness to your frantic email re: A Pop Culture Emergency. Rest assured that I am alive and kicking and that my lack of correspondence with you was due solely to my own laziness.

From this point on I will notify you of urgent situations via this internet weblog and I feel justified in asking that you do the same via your online platform (of which I have only just been notified.)

Again, my sincerest apologies.

Yours til the cookie crumbles.

X-Factor

It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils.

2006-08-07T14:42:00.000-05:00

OK, so this is honestly some of the funniest stuff I've seen in years! I will link some of my favs here but then you must peruse the rest at your earliest convenience.

Leopard

Nervous Tick

Walrus

Camel

Llama

Spider

Eagle - this is the best!

The more you look at these and think about them, the funnier they are! Don't forget to pause a minute for the mouse-overs as well, a lot of times they really cap off the hilarity!

Tell me your fav and/or if you didn't like them, please explain yourself or have a few cocktails and read them again.

I'm not even mad, I'm impressed.

2006-08-07T14:34:00.000-05:00

LONDON (Reuters) - Hundreds of Britons are being urged to attend what is being branded as Europe's first "Masturbate-a-thon", a leading reproductive healthcare charity said on Friday.

Marie Stopes International, which is hosting the event with
HIV/AIDS charity the Terrence Higgins Trust, said it expected up to 200 people to attend the sponsored masturbation session in Clerkenwell, central London, on Saturday.

"It is a bit of a publicity stunt but we hope it will raise awareness," a Marie Stopes spokeswoman told Reuters.

"We want to get people talking about safer sex, masturbation and to lift taboos."

Participants, who have to be over 18, can bring any aids they need and can take part in four different rooms - a comfort area, a mixed area, along with men and women only areas.

However, the rules on the event's Web site states there can be no touching of other participants nor are people allowed to fake orgasms.

"The amount you raise will be determined by how many minutes you masturbate and/or how many orgasms you achieve," the Web site said.

The Marie Stopes spokeswoman said local religious groups had been initially outraged, but after people had heard what the event was about, most had approved it.

Police had also given it their approval.

Similar events have been staged in San Francisco for the last six years raising $25,000 (13,000 pounds) for women's health initiatives and HIV prevention. If successful, Marie Stopes said it could take place elsewhere in mainland Europe next year.

You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.

2006-08-07T04:18:00.000-05:00

This is why I cannot blog often. I sat down for one tiny post re: a One Mr. Jared Leto and BAM the sun comes up. How did this happen?

Well, I am going to go to sleep/crappily timed nap now that I have spent 4 hours messing with my template and my roll and all that. More improvements (hopefully) to come manana.

I am suddenly wishing I had paid attention in Website Design class the day we went over tables...

zzzzzzz...

Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?

2006-08-07T02:03:00.000-05:00

Last night we had an impromptu gathering at a local pizzeria and micro brewery called Piece on the West side of town where normal Saturday nights are turned into dreams come true. Thats right - Live.Band.Karaoke.

Upon entering this establishment of glory, I immediately anchored myself to the bar and proceeded to rock out concert-style. Suprisingly most of the people were pretty good, although quite a few were hard to hear! I did put my name in but it seems it took me too long to muster up my courage, as I was informed that they would not get to my song before closing time.

The songs ranged from The Cure to Kelly Clarkson (who?) and everything in between. I was super jazzed about this place and have spent a considerable amount of time now mapping where else this amazingness occurs in Chi - there's a place considerably closer that I will have to check out soon. Don't fear, I'll let you know about it ASAP!

Other than that, nothing big happening, just waiting to hear from the possible job, meeting people and wandering around the city! I really really wish I had a digital camera so that I could share some of the gems I have come across during all my walking around - maybe someday! Now that Lollapalooza is over I can stop being sickly jealous of everyone I know being there (sidenote: a certain roomie of mine spoke to Jared Leto today - I know, I hate him too (j/j).)

Crap, I was going to close out and I forgot to make a list for this post...OK, list of things I would have said to Jared Leto had I been the one to run into him today:

1. OMFG!!

2. OMFG it's Jordan Catalano!!

3. Will you come to my house?

4. WTF were you doing with L.Lohan?

5. I wanna be on you.

6. OMFG did I just tell you that I wanted to be on you? Yeah? Well, it's true.

7. Those pants are very becoming on you....

8. You're aight, but you're no CA.

ETA: Guess who has the same bday as Jordan Catalano? Oh yeah Stevie, it's you!

ETA again: I'm bringing sexy back. FYI.

Madness!!

2006-08-01T18:05:00.000-05:00

Some things here in my new part of the world are mildly maddening at the moment, and as I was planning to write a post I was thinking of these maddening things. As such, I was prepared to post a list of these items when it occurred to me: GLASS HALF FULL BIATCH.

With that in mind I will list the things that are NOT Maddening about el mundo right now:

1. Kick ass views of the city.

2. Freedom to go pretty much where ever I want to without assistance.

3. Meeting new people - everyone is new to me and no one has any clue who I am (PS I told a crazy man on the train yesterday that I was a newlywed. Just to try it out.)

4. Talking to my brother a ton lately - it's like he relocated to an internet cafe!

5. Getting lost then finding the right way by total accident.

6. Dave Chappelle's stand up DVD Killing Them Softly.

7. Being unencumbered by all the stuff that a month ago I could not live without - hello human-sized M&M!

8. Realizing that it is kind of fun figuring out what people are really about regardless of previous expectations.

I am spending copious amounts of time trying to figure out the whole blog-spacing-picture-posting problem, maybe after that and the heat wave have ceased I'll write a non-list style post.

Or maybe not...

Stay Classy Chicago.

2006-07-29T22:37:00.000-05:00

Greetings from the Windy City!

I've been composing posts in my head for days but have not been able to post them as I have been experiencing a bit of technical difficulty with the FANTASTIC new layout made for me by mi hermana.

Here I am in Chicago and it is pretty great so far! I have had a bevy of visitors and no shortage of new things to see/do/try. I was going to start my new blog with a list of things that are different between the StL and Chi-town, but that may have a negative connotation, so I decided on a list of notable things I have already done in my short time here:

1. Stood in Lake Michigan x 7 (Now to me it may as well be an ocean because you can't see across it and there are sailboats way out yonder.)

2. This is a biggie...I ate chicken off the bone! To many this may seem like no small feat, but trust me it is; it was purely out of courtesy that I committed this heinous act. New roomie stopped and got dinner one night and low and behold it was the dreaded "Fried Chicken." I'm no vegetarian, and I can put away some chicken that has been removed (I don't even wanna know how) from the bone, but I do not do FC as a life rule. Well, I bit the proverbial bullet and likely the literal femur! While I recognize I'm no worse off for having done it, I am confident that there will be no need for a repeat bone experience.

3. I've been the odd one out - majorly and sometimes uncomfortably.

4. I hailed a cab! After last night we can go ahead and make that 2! I've hailed cabs.

5. Two words - table.service. I'm sure that to some people this may be a common occurance, but if so, I don't know you. This is something that has been referred to only in whispered tones as I flip through the holy pages of US Weekly. I liken it to something that might be experienced by the Lindsey-Paris-Jessica set and not the Lauren set. More on this in a full recap of last night, coming soon!

There are so many more things to add, alas I have a new sort-of-job to start tomorrow and with that in mind, I must away! On a parting note, here are some badass pics of the view.

From the apartment. Where I live. In Chicago. Illinois.

Yeah, I live in a state with a silent s and this guy. (For Jenny....and Audra - ha!)

PS. All that lead in and nary a photo in sight! When I put the pic in, the layout goes crazy, etc. I thought I had it squared away but evidently not so I will try it again tomorrow. Anyone with any hints on what the issue might be, pls let me know!